The Year of Pain/Restoration

2023 was easily the hardest and most painful yet redemptive/purposeful years of my life - I am 23 years old. I’m not much of a writer so bare with me as try to share my heart and story. This year brought me to lows I didn’t know were possible but also showed me a love and fulfillment deeper than I ever imagined.

First, I’d like to give some context that will help understand the rest of the story. I lost my Brother to stage 4 lung cancer when he was 24 (2019). That was my first experience of death of someone I loved and knew closely that wasn’t supposed to die. I went to college 3 months after he died and experienced what I would say now, was depression for the first time the first year there. Despite that I ended up really liking it and met some of my closest friends in the world. I also developed a deeper relationship with God and truly fell in love with Him. I also found a deep passion for cinematography and knew that’s what I wanted to pursue. I graduated after 3 years and moved back home (PA) and got married to my now wife (Janae) 3 months after graduation. I started a new job with a production company working part time and than freelancing as well. My goal was to learn and work my way up to becoming a cinematographer and go fully freelance once I have enough of that work coming in. That Summer I graduated my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. She had breast cancer 18 years prior but overcame it through chemo treatment. The doctors were not very concerned because we caught it early on and thought we would just do one round of chemo therapy and that would be enough to get rid of it. One month after I got married to Janae, my mom was rushed to the hospital and died that night in the ICU. The doctors believed her immune system was not strong enough to fight the chemo treatment from the wear it had on her body previous years. We were devastated and in shock. I didn’t know how to process this one. I was so confused and just.. in shock. I felt numb and oddly couldn’t feel much grief. All I wanted to do was to distract myself from it.

I ended up turning to work and chasing after the joy and fulfillment that brought. So for the next year and half I did just that. Honestly, it was a lot of fun at times and I had some really cool experiences, opportunities, met amazing people and developed my craft really quickly. But looking back, majority of the time I was more anxious than I’ve ever been, unsure of myself, and having panic attacks so bad that sometimes I couldn’t drive. It was on an unending road of extreme highs and extreme lows. I would be happy with my work and then be depressed a day later because it still wasn’t good enough. I would constantly compare and be jealous of others farther along than me. I was never content. Which I still think it’s good to strive for excellence and push to be better - my heart was just not in the right place. It was broken, crying out for help. Underneath all of this, my relationship with God was struggling. I was angry and confused and felt like I was on my own. I felt like if I wanted to provide for my wife, or be successful, or whatever it was - I had to do it on my own. I felt like God wasn’t looking out for us. And I had this underlying feeling of what’s the next bad thing that’s going to happen.

On the outside, I seemed to be doing good. Work was going well and I was on a good track with my career, I loved getting to know Janae better and marriage seemed good. Lots of people encouraged me and complimented my work and what I was doing. It was great to hear but I was never satisfied and always thought I wasn’t good enough. On the outside I seemed to be doing well, I even tricked myself into thinking I was doing okay which is crazy to me looking back into that season. However I did know deep down that my heart was hard toward God and I was drifting farther away from Him. I really did want to change that and get right with God again I just had no idea how. I’ll touch back on this later.

Back pain… The next bad thing. 5 months after my mom died I got on of my first larger DP jobs and it turned out to be a superbowl commercial (small flex). Anyways, within an hour of arriving on set I went to move a pelican case (maybe 40-50 lbs) and as I was bending up i felt this sudden shock or jolt in my lower back and immediately put the case down. I never felt something like that before but I thought I’d just walk around and shake it off. To my demise, it not only stayed, but got worse as the day went on. It felt like a mini bomb went off in my lower back and someone was gripping that area as hard as they can and never got tired. As the day went on, it took almost everything in me to simply stand. I was stuck in this forward hunched over position but I had some relief if I sat down leaning slightly forward. Luckily the first shot was dana dolly and the crew was awesome and helped me out. Later there were some handheld shots and I physically could not hold the camera so my AC came to the rescue (who is also a baller DP and cam op) and did all the handheld operating/ I pulled focus calling out the shots. The next day my lovely wife scheduled my first ever appointment with a chiropractor who told me I probably strained a muscle and did some cracking and popping and sent me home. I didn’t feel much different but a few weeks later I felt pretty much normal again after just resting. At the time I wrote it off as “well that was horrible and I hope it never happens again” and carried on. And for the next 11 months I didn’t really have any back pain - at least not like that.

fast forward 11 months to late November 2022 I was in Nashville doing some event coverage. It was a really busy month and a lot of traveling and I did notice that my back was feeling a little tender. While I was in filming, I was leaning slighly forward to capture probably some cute kids making a funny face to the camera and as I rose back up straight I felt that same jolt again. It felt almost identical to that last time 11 months ago. My heart dropped and I just thought “no, no, no, please not again”. As the rest of the day unfolded, the pain got worse and worse and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through and this time I was farther from home. I still had to fly home. Somehow, by the Grace of God I made it through the rest of the day and headed home the next day. Luckily my wife was with me on this and helped me through it and carried our cases. I also had another job that week that I had no idea how I would do. I also believe by the Grace of God, that got pushed back a few days and I was able to muscle through it (but boy was it painful)

At this point I was really concerned that it happened again. I got more serious about fixing this and went to a chiropractor 2 hours away because I heard he is the best. But a few weeks later I was feeling fine. I started going to the gym and wrote it off as being unhealthy and that I need to strengthen my core and back muscles.

2 months later, it happened again… Only this time it was on a bigger set and I still had one day to go. I still don’t know how I made it thought that last day. It feels like a fever dream. The same course of action took place and I got better after a few weeks of rest and felt 0 pain. Then, 2 month later it happened again. and then after that a month later I was sweeping and I felt the same jolt but oddly my back didn’t get locked forward like usual and I thought it was just a scare. But that night as I was in bed, my legs were so tingly and it freaked me out. But it wasn’t painful.

Over the next couple of weeks I started having having pain while sitting and stanidng.